Chapter 2 - An Afterglow Through Time

Chapter 2 – An Afterglow Through Time

     I would like to start by telling you my views on the transgendered as someone who was brought up in a Christian family.

     For the first couple of years after my father told us about himself I didn't understand enough about transsexuals to really have an opinion. Being young and ignorant I had some pretty harsh prejudice for those people, based only on my pain and the uninformed jokes and comments I had heard from others. When I was about 15 I got really depressed and my mom suggested I go see a specialist who deals with transgendered and transsexual issues. She hoped that this would put my mind at ease and try to explain what was happening with my dad. I was informed that transsexuals have a difference in their brain which makes them want to be the opposite sex and that it shows up in one of three ways. For some there are signs their entire lives which parents may or may not notice, then during adolescence they begin to want a change of sex, or at least start thinking about it. For others it is a sudden shift, with a random thought that life would be better as the opposite sex triggering the desire to change. In some cases a person does something normally perceived as feminine or masculine and it starts them thinking along these lines. I'm not certain this is actually true but it helped put me at ease for a while, at least until I got a little older.

     As a kid I can remember not having a father figure around. Shaving and all the other things I needed to learn to grow into a man I had to learn for myself. Once my dad told me and my sister about his secret he hastily moved out to start his new life. I felt so unloved and confused. All those times I took off to cry I remember wondering, "how is this happening?” over and over for weeks. Basically my dad might as well have died. It in a way was kind of like when my mom was in a coma, there was nothing I could do about it. I could pray or try to talk to him but he had his mind set and nothing was going to change. For the longest time, and even now, I am convinced that there is some selfishness to it. My dad has been saying for the last few years that he now wishes he never had the operation, but when I ask him way he doesn’t  just start dressing like a guy again he says its not that easy to go back and refuses. I guess I don’t understand but I can’t help feeling that I want my dad back really badly. One thing he keeps saying is that God is going to cure him but, as I was taught in church, God won’t do everything for you. You have to make some effort too and my dad won’t, so I’m not convinced he’s telling me the truth. I think a part of it is him trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear.

     I always wonder what life would be like if this hadn’t happened. When this kind of thing happens in a family it is always a big event which causes changes and hardships. The repercussions and emotions of such a huge transformation alter everything. I wonder if we’d still have moved back to BC or if we’d have stayed in Ontario. I wonder if my mom would still be alive. I don’t blame my mom’s death on my dad, but I have to wonder if the stress made her health problems worse. I know my life would have been different but how much of who I am now is because of this situation and how much is who I would have been anyway? I'll never know. All I can do is keep learning new things and sometimes surprising myself with what I find.

      I also wonder how many people there are like me. I saw a picture once of 6 transgendered individuals, both sexes, and they looked like normal people, not like the stereotyped ones you see downtown or on Jerry Springer. With  these people you couldn't tell the difference. Yet I look at my father and all I see is a really messed up version of my dad. I understand that it is a issue with me but I can’t help it, it’s too hard to accept that this stranger is my dad. I don’t have a problem with other transgendered people but I just can’t handle the change that took my dad from me.