Chapter 3 - Day by Day

Before I get into my personal thoughts I must warn you that what I have to say may seem offensive or shocking to you. You might be concerned that I have no recovery path planned out. The fact is that I have tried many paths – exercise, talking to people, distraction – I’ve received tons of ideas from people and, so far, they either don’t work for me or only suppress the pain for a little while. Picture losing someone you love in a horrific car accident; that’s how I feel about my dad, except that it never heals because he’s still out there. How do you stop something like that by talking about it?

I have been looking for the answers since I was 13 years old but not finding any. There were no groups available for kids like me, none of the counselors, shrinks or doctors I had access to were trained in this area and those I did see only seemed to leave me more confused. The only thing counseling gave me that I didn’t already get from family and friends was the vulnerability of opening up to a complete stranger.

Making and keeping friends has been hard. A friendship is like building a house – with the right materials and care it will stand up to time, but with poor materials and inconsistent effort it will fall apart. With this matter so constantly on my mind I never seem to be able to remember all the little things that matter most: saying thanks when its due, acknowledging birthdays or simply showing people that I care. I’ll say something that’s wrong or insensitive and not realize until it’s already too late. Sometimes I’d seem to get it right but eventually the issues would take over and I’d discover that my friendships were all based on superficial things which couldn’t stand up to the pressure. I know that a negative mindset will effect everything around me yet I can’t seem to break out of that mold. It has made me wonder if, deep down, I truly want to be a loner with little regard for others though that lifestyle certainly hasn’t seemed any easier or made me any happier. Putting this kind of thing into words has always been difficult for me; I never seem to be able to explain exactly what I’m feeling or what I truly mean.

Work has been no different. I’ve found that the true key to being good at a job is mood, not experience. I’ve had many jobs which probably should have gone to someone with more experience and have done fairly well for the first few weeks. Then I learn the task well enough that it no longer takes my complete concentration and the thoughts creep back in. My mind starts to fixate more and more on the negative thoughts until I can no longer think straight or remember things clearly. I get touchy and frustrated, which makes me hard to deal with, which gets me in trouble, making me more frustrated and quickly leading to a point where I either have to quit or get fired. These thoughts take over my life completely, 24/7 and though I know that to others my behaviour may seem incomprehensible I can’t seem to break past the overwhelming internal pain to deal with my external problems. The only time I seem to be able to keep from getting bored or thinking about my dad too much is when I’m on my computer, surfing around to whatever catches my eye.

Honestly, I do understand that the lives of transgendered and transsexual people can be very rough but there are a lot of other people who are affected by this issue as well, and they seem to be forgotten. That’s why I feel I need to get this out there, so that others will understand that the voices of those swept away along the sidelines are just as important, and so that others like me realize that they aren’t alone.